Finding Hope

I posted in one of my first posts about the word HOPE, and how to me it meant Hold On Pain Ends.  This wonderful, amazing, strong, unique woman Monica that has overcome so much in her life and is such an inspiration to me and to others. Truly she is, and she doesn’t even know it.  Posted this on Facebook the other day.  Help Other People Evolve.  So beautiful.  That means so much more to me now.  I know the pain will end.  I have survived the pain, and will continue to survive the pain, now my journey is to show others and to help others evolve, one post at a time.  I hope my journey helps someone. Even just one person then I will be happy. 

I have posted a couple of challenges, have you done any of them?  I would LOVE to see pictures of people doing my first challenge.

Do you remember the first challenge?  It was the bra challenge.  Buy the biggest bra you can find and put bowling balls/small watermelons in it and deal with it for a while.  Come on, challenge the guys in your life.  This one was just for laughs.

Yesterday’s challenge: Get out of your comfort zone, and give someone a compliment.  Give someone a compliment that you don’t think receives them on a regular basis, someone that looks like they need a smile that day.  Everyone needs a smile. 

I am going to make it a goal to make someone smile every day.  No matter what I am going through, I will find a way to make someone smile.  This has been something that I have done right along anyways, but even more so now.  Right now I am being drawn to this.  I am going to be the light I want to see in others.

The last year of my life has been so negative and so much has brought me down and I am determined to bring it back around to joy.  I am cutting out the drama.  I am walking away from people that do not uplift me.  There comes a time in your life when you have to do what is best for you whether others agree or not.  Find your inner peace that’s what I am going to do in life.

Positive energy, positive thoughts, and daily affirmations.  I may not write them down in a daily journal but I do funnel a lot of thoughts here in this blog.  Maybe I will start a daily affirmations journal too. 

Today’s daily affirmation:  I am a strong, competent woman; I believe in my abilities and express myself with ease.

The Sweet Hell that is Clothes Shopping

Another friend of mine commented the other day about finding summer clothes and I said WOAH that is going to be a GREAT blog post!  Seriously, shopping for clothes is dreadful. I haven’t found a decent pair of shorts in years.  I bought 3 pair of shorts off ebay about 14 years ago and haven’t really found any I’ve liked since then, and those have finally worn out.

Shopping for clothes when you are plus size is terrible.  If you are a size 0-14ish you have ¾ of the store to chose from.  When you are plus size you are lucky if you have ¼ of the store.  Generally it is more like a 1/8^th.   Am I right ladies?? Then the choices?  Just because we are fat doesn’t mean we do not want to be stylish! 90% of it is old lady cruise wear looking.

There are stores that cater specifically to plus size ladies.  But they also cater to plus size bank accounts. (don’t get me started on the plus size catalogs that don’t use plus size models so you have NO idea what the item will look like on a lady of size!) Anyways….There is no reason that plus size clothes should cost that much more than regular size clothes.  I get that they cost more, there is more fabric, whatever, but there is THAT much more.

Don’t even get me started on how sizing works.  If you are a man you go to the store and you pick your waist size and inseam length, TADA done.  If you are a woman there is 0-28 (and higher).  Misses are even number, Junior are odd number. – why?  What’s the difference between a 3, 4, 5 a centimeter?  Some designers are selling jeans by waist and inseam but not for chunko’s like me.  Plus every designer/brand fits different.  You can’t just assume that because you wear a size 20 you can walk into a store and buy a 20 and think it will fit.  OHHHHH No.  You might need a 24, or you might find a designer that does vanity sizing and you need a 14.  But guess what – you pay triple for that! Then you have 20, or 20W UGH what the heck is the difference they are both in the women’s section.  Come on get it together designers!!!

Ok, you’ve braved the elements, you’ve gone to the store you’ve battled your way through the teeny, tiny aisles that are not made for the obese to look at the measly section for the plus size.  You grab a few items and you know you have to try them on, but you don’t want to.  You head to a dressing room that was designed for someone the size of a 12-year-old gymnast, with your items.  There are mirrors everywhere; there is no escaping them.  No matter where you look, there you are!  So there you are, in your bra, ya know the big ugly industrial one, and panties, ya big ole grannies, or you have big floppy cottage cheese butt cheeks grinning at you in the mirror, and most of the time what you picked out either doesn’t fit or looks horrid (or so you think).  You leave, maybe empty handed, maybe not.  And what do you do?  More than likely buy chocolate to soothe yourself.  Vicious cycle.

Is it any wonder that so many bigger people end up in leggings and big shirts?  It’s comfy and easy. I wish I could help everyone see how beautiful they really are.  Todays challenge, tell someone they are beautiful, or they have pretty hair, or a nice shirt, nice eyes, or a nice smile.  Reach out to someone that you think needs a pick me up.  You can do it. You can be that person that lifts them up!

Seminar Day

Last Friday, my husband and I went to the Bariatric Surgery Seminar at DHMC (Dartmouth Hitchcock Medical Center). It is held on the first Friday of every month, and they have speakers from their program.  They have graduates of the program, nurse practitioners, dieticians, surgeons, etc.  It was really informative.

There were a lot of people there.  I almost wrote there was a TON of people there, but that would have been in poor taste (hehe taste – I know I am horrible).  They told us when we scheduled to take the seminar to get there as close to the start time as possible because there would be NO SEATING outside of the conference room.  So if standing would be a problem plan ahead.  Standing is not a problem for my husband and me and we were there 15 minutes early.  There were many people there already, and yes, complaining that there was no place to sit.  I mention this to Monty; did they not read the packet information???

They open the doors and say to us to please fill the room from the back to the front; from the far side first that way when people come in they don’t have to trip over others trying to find a seat.  Do people do this?  No.  They sit in the first seats.  UGH. Monty and I are in the second to last row on the end of an aisle. 

Next they tell us that they encourage us to ask questions, but please keep it generic and not specific due to HIPAA rules.  Do people pay any attention to that?  Again, NO. Very specific questions about their health that we did not need to know.

This makes me wonder.  If they can’t follow these 3 very basic requests are they going to be compliant with the program.  Do they have a problem with authority?  Do they not listen?  Do they not care?

Yes I am a rule follower.  I know who would have guessed!  Stop it….I know you are laughing at me.  I am the loud mouth who doesn’t care what others think, blah blah blah. But actually I follow the rules. No I am not a strict follow the lambs to the slaughter type of rule follower, but I can follow simple rules and do get annoyed when others do not. 

Like line cutters.  Did you watch Big Bang Theory last week?  I wouldn’t create a big scene like Sheldon, but I have spoken up to people that have cut lines.  It is rude to those of us that have stood in line.

I know this post has gotten way off course, but I am like that; just ask my kids, wait was that something sparkly? Did you just see that?  HAHA It is bad!

Okay back on track.  The seminar started with stories from 3 graduates of the program.  One had a bypass, one had a sleeve, and honestly I don’t remember the 3^rd but I am guessing she had a sleeve.  They have lost between 70-120ish pounds each.  I loved their speeches but wish they had posted pictures of what they looked like before surgery, so you had a comparison.

Then there was an overview of the program and briefly of the steps you need to do in the program.  A surgeon from the program spoke about the 2 different types of surgeries that they offer, the bypass and the sleeve, and reasons why you might get one over the other.  I will go over the different types of surgery in a later post. 

There was a dietician that was cute as a button.  She was a tiny, little, wisp of a thing. She might have come to Monty’s waist.  She went over many different things, like what your food plate should look like.  Have you noticed how much this has changed in our lifetime?  First we had the basic food groups, then the food pyramid, then the food pyramid has changed countless times, now we have this plate diagram.

Then they sent us on our way.  They were measuring necks on the way out the door.  If your neck measured over 17” then you need to have a sleep study for sleep apnea.  My husband and I already have had this study done and have CPAP machines. (another topic!)

I walked to the car and called my PCP and asked them to make the actual referral and I will be on my way to getting started on my journey!  YAY!

Bullies if you don't know one, you are one!

Why is it so easy to make fun of fat people? Why is there a huge push to fat shame? Why do people feel so pushed to make fun of people that are different than themselves, whether it be because of the color of their skin, the size of their body, the ability of their body, or sexual or gender identity? Social media has become such a huge outlet for hatred. You can hide behind your computer screen and type any type of venom you want and it is okay.  People forget that when others read those words it hurts.

The “popular” kids bullied me in school. In particular one boy was wretched. He was horrible to everyone, not just me.  He passed away in a horrific motorcycle accident a few years after high school so one will never know if he would have ever learned the error of his ways.  Another boy was also pretty bad, and he and I have since made amends.  He has grown up and looked back at his ways, maybe because his children have been bullied, I am not sure, but I am glad that he and I had that conversation. 

I was picked on for several different things throughout growing up.  I was told I was fat.  I posted a picture in an earlier post.  When I graduated I weighed 114 pounds.  That is far from fat!  I was also picked on because my father was disabled.  Seriously.  My father was a disabled veteran.  He fought for this country, in war, in Korea, and unfortunately had surgery done by the VA that disabled him for life.  He walked with crutches and had a brace on his leg.  Instead of praising him, you picked on me. Yeah, real cool people. But, whatever, you all made me stronger, so thanks.

I just don’t understand why it is so easy to pick on other people.   I don’t understand why people don’t know any better. I just don’t get it. Didn’t their parents ever teach them if they didn’t have anything nice to say not to say anything at all?  Seriously.

There are people out there like Whitney Thore that is promoting #nobodyshame.  She has a show on TLC called My Big Fat Fabulous Life.  She has an illness called polycystic ovarian syndrome, which can cause excessive weight gain.  People do not understand that illnesses do cause weight gain.  She is also a dance teacher.  I haven’t watched very many of her shows, but she seems fabulous!  Recently I saw a post on Facebook where she said she lost over 100 pounds in a year only to gain it back.  She wondered why it was so easy to gain it back, and there is a study that says when you lose that much weight that quickly you trash your metabolism and when you are at the lower weight your body would require much lower calories than someone who is naturally that weight.  For example, if you are 150 pounds naturally you need 1200 calories to maintain that weight, but if you were 250 pounds and lost 100 pounds in the last year and now weigh 150 pounds you would need 850 calories to maintain that weight. (These numbers are not real – they are for example only).  This is why it is so easy to regain weight after dieting!!!!!!

Then there is the #noexcuses mom.  Maria Kang.  I was on her Facebook page for a while but had to leave because of all the hate.  If you weren’t stick thin with rock hard abs you were doing it wrong. They do not empower people there; they definitely shame, destroy, and degrade.  I was very disappointed. I really had hoped her page would be uplifting.

Why can’t we all lift each other up?  Why do we have to destroy each other?  Do we do it to make ourselves feel good?  I used to know some people that were really good at the backhanded compliments.  I have sense removed them from my life.  It isn’t easy removing these types of toxic people from your life, but it is necessary for your own well-being.

How do you see yourself?

A few days ago a friend told me that I didn’t have to acknowledge everyone, that this blog was about my journey, and me and she is right.  I told her that there are people that I want to acknowledge and things I want to say. I hope that people understand that as time goes by this blog will be at times funny, other times sad, and honestly other times pretty boring.  It definitely will not be a people pleaser every day.  It will just be the ramblings of a fat person who has decided to change her life.

I used to be extremely thin. I was always the smallest person around, and now I am always the fattest person around.  That really takes it toll on your how you view the world, and how you view yourself in the world.

I have this vision in my head of what I look like.  That vision is not reality.  I know I am fat.  I just don’t realize just how fat I am until I see pictures.  I mean, I get it, I have mirrors, and I’m not an idiot I know what I look like.  I know I have a big butt, wide hips, and big belly, but when I see myself in my head I see me probably 50-75 pounds lighter.  I wonder, does everyone have a picture in their head of what they look like and how closely does it match reality.

I’ve watched shows like my 600lb life or other extreme weight loss shows, or Say Yes to the Dress, and people have gone through extreme weight loss and when they try on clothes and look in the mirror they still see this big person.  The vision in their head is still a big person.  It makes me wonder what I will see as I lose weight.  This is why I need a therapist! 

Is this why I have a hard time losing weight?  I have joined Weight Watchers more than once and have counted calories, and used Myfitnesspal and tracked calories in and calories out, and done Herbalife.  I’ve gained and lost the same 30 pounds over and over and over again.  The trouble is, I NEVER noticed a difference.  I didn’t notice a difference in how my pants fit.  I never changed pant sizes.  Nothing. Then you see someone else post on Facebook, lost 10 pounds down 3 pant sizes!  My brain would scream! WTF!  Do you know how discouraging it is to lose 30 pounds and still be in the same clothes, while someone else sneezed and lost 10 inches and 2 dress sizes? 

You should only ever be in competition with yourself, and all those other cliché statements, but as a fat person you know the world is watching you, you know they are waiting for you to fail.  There isn’t many waiting there to help pick you up if you are having a bad day.  Funny thing though, they sure are there to rip you apart when you do flounder and flail.  Why is that?  

Fat people - you'd think they'd bounce!

The last few posts have been way too serious so let’s get back to some laughter.  Do you know what is  funny?  My friend Stacey is going to agree with me on this, people tripping  and falling.  You don’t mean  to laugh, but you can’t help it.   Why is it so funny?  Is it because of the faces they make?  The gestures they make trying to stop  themselves from falling?  The way they play it off after they tripped, like hey I meant to do that?  I don’t  know, but darn it, it’s funny, unless of course they got hurt, or they are disabled or something – I’m not  an asshole.    You know who fall down a lot?  Fat people!  Or, maybe just me.  I’m a fat people. I fall down a lot.  Gravity isn’t my friend, never has been, probably never will be.  Just ask my kids.  I fall down stairs.  I fall up stairs.  I trip over rocks; heck I trip over blades of grass.  I am a tripping mess!   It reminds me of the old Looney Tunes skit…trippin’ &  trippin’ & trippin’ with Daffy Duck Daffy Duck "tripping"    One night leaving the bar I was walking along and yup, I tripped.  There was a hole in the sidewalk  and I rolled my ankle and bam down I went.  Marie was like – Where did Cora go – down here!!!!!!   Up I pop.  Sprained my ankle. Ok, so the drinking had some to do with it, but there was a hole there  I swear!   One day leaving DMV I am walking down the sidewalk in Montpelier and roll my ankle and I go flat  on my face.  You guessed it, sprained my ankle again.  Graceful I am not. Down the street there was  about 6 priests and not one of them came to help me.  Hmmmm not nice! Probably too busy standing  there laughing!   Then, there was this time my husband and I were getting wood for the house.  I was standing in the  back of the truck.  Now, I know enough not to jump out of the back of the truck.  I am fat after all.   It is going to hurt! Haha.  I ever so carefully climb down out of the truck; take 2 steps roll my ankle  (anyone see a pattern here) and fall breaking my left hand.  Some people will do anything out of doing  wood, me I break bones!      My husband does not see the humor in people falling.  Maybe it is because generally when I fall I  tend to hurt myself in some way, which is odd because as a fat person you would think that would  cushion me somehow pfft see that doesn’t work! Then he ends up taking me to the ER and they  always ask the dreaded question, “Are you safe at home”. Hell yes I’m safe at home. I’m just not  safe on my own damn feet!   We had just left a friends baby shower and we had just gotten home.  I was carrying a pyrex dish  and was walking to the house.  Guess what happened?  I ….. yup, rolled my ankle, and I went flat!    I landed square on that pyrex dish and it shattered.  Monty was freaking out!  I was like I’m fine.    He was like, OMG no you’re not there is blood everywhere, don’t move you could have shards in  you, are you ok? I was pretty scraped up but no deep cuts, but yet another trip to the ER.  Ma’am are  you safe at home?  Again I say, yes, I just cannot walk.   Somehow I have managed not to fall since I had my knee surgery, well, except for when I climbed on  top of the chairs last year and that didn’t end well.  That was my own stupidity, and not my feet just  not cooperating.     Like I said, while I do find falling people funny, I am not an asshole.  We were at Thunder Road a  few years ago and there was a group of young teenagers near us in the bleachers.  There was a teenager  sitting on the grass in front of us.  She was about 15 years old and she was overweight.  She stood up  and tripped over a rock or something and fell down.  The boys around me started laughing at her.   Then the poor girl stood up and tripped and fell down again, making them laugh even harder. She  did this like 3 times, in front of a huge bleacher full of people.  I felt so bad for her.  I told those  boys to shut up, how would they feel if they were the one down there.  They stopped.  So, see even  though I think falling is funny I have my limits, but in the meantime, watch this video of people  falling – HAHA Ice - It will get you every-time!

Mariezee!

The last few days we have been talking about friends.  Today is about Marie.  Oh the stories I could tell about Marie! Hehehehe  But I will try and keep this clean.  Note, I said TRY!

I met Marie when she was Marie Huntley.  She was a single mom to one daughter, Jessica, with multiple disabilities.  She had gone to high school with my ex husband and unlike many of the people that I had come to meet in Randolph, she welcomed me with open arms.  Other people were friendly, but they had their own group of friends already, and I just didn’t feel like I fit in.

Time had passed and Marie had married Jeff Norton and had 2 more beautiful daughters.  We weren’t really in each other’s lives at this point.  I am not quite sure why.  I don’t even remember how we found our way back to each other.  It must have been when our oldest were going to school together at Braintree Elementary School. I suddenly found myself with a partner in crime.

Marie liked to go out and dance, and so did I, and I like to have a few drinks, and Marie doesn’t drink making her the designated driver.  She would pick me up and we would go off dancing.  Oftentimes my now ex-husband would go to.  Over time it becomes just Marie and I more and more. We would have a blast.  The only trouble is, you never knew what time you would get home.  Marie has this knack of always finding out where the best after parties are, and you always end up at one, so you might not get home until 5, 6, 7 in the morning.

I love this girl.  She has seen me through some tough shit too.  Seen me fall down and pick myself up (LITERALLY – Right Marie???).  Through it all we’ve been there for each other.  When she had a house fire, Hillary and I came to her in a nasty snowstorm and then spent the weekend with her cleaning up from the fire.  We’ve held each others hands has we’ve had our hearts broke, we’ve covered each other’s backs, we’ve laughed until we’ve peed (ok that was me before bladder surgery – I’m tellin’ ya – best surgery ever!), and she even joined weight watchers with me before my wedding.

She knows my struggles with my weight, as she struggles too.  I know she is 100% behind my decision to have this surgery. I had been researching this program for a long time, but this girl had the guts to go to the seminar before me.  You are a brave soul girl.  If you ever decide to have the surgery like me you know that I am 100% on your side.