How do you see yourself?

A few days ago a friend told me that I didn’t have to acknowledge everyone, that this blog was about my journey, and me and she is right.  I told her that there are people that I want to acknowledge and things I want to say. I hope that people understand that as time goes by this blog will be at times funny, other times sad, and honestly other times pretty boring.  It definitely will not be a people pleaser every day.  It will just be the ramblings of a fat person who has decided to change her life.

I used to be extremely thin. I was always the smallest person around, and now I am always the fattest person around.  That really takes it toll on your how you view the world, and how you view yourself in the world.

I have this vision in my head of what I look like.  That vision is not reality.  I know I am fat.  I just don’t realize just how fat I am until I see pictures.  I mean, I get it, I have mirrors, and I’m not an idiot I know what I look like.  I know I have a big butt, wide hips, and big belly, but when I see myself in my head I see me probably 50-75 pounds lighter.  I wonder, does everyone have a picture in their head of what they look like and how closely does it match reality.

I’ve watched shows like my 600lb life or other extreme weight loss shows, or Say Yes to the Dress, and people have gone through extreme weight loss and when they try on clothes and look in the mirror they still see this big person.  The vision in their head is still a big person.  It makes me wonder what I will see as I lose weight.  This is why I need a therapist! 

Is this why I have a hard time losing weight?  I have joined Weight Watchers more than once and have counted calories, and used Myfitnesspal and tracked calories in and calories out, and done Herbalife.  I’ve gained and lost the same 30 pounds over and over and over again.  The trouble is, I NEVER noticed a difference.  I didn’t notice a difference in how my pants fit.  I never changed pant sizes.  Nothing. Then you see someone else post on Facebook, lost 10 pounds down 3 pant sizes!  My brain would scream! WTF!  Do you know how discouraging it is to lose 30 pounds and still be in the same clothes, while someone else sneezed and lost 10 inches and 2 dress sizes? 

You should only ever be in competition with yourself, and all those other cliché statements, but as a fat person you know the world is watching you, you know they are waiting for you to fail.  There isn’t many waiting there to help pick you up if you are having a bad day.  Funny thing though, they sure are there to rip you apart when you do flounder and flail.  Why is that?